[愛情練習題 36 Questions] 做完不保證拉近彼此親密距離，但真心話值得交換

2015/01/29 Julia 網路大小事

前幾天紐約時報刊登一篇報導，描述一位女作家親身實驗社會心理學家 Arthur Aron 於 1997年發表研究報告"The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin"，提出36道題目可以讓男女 (or男男/女女)彼此關係更加緊密，最後還要含情脈脈對看四分鐘。

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這 36道題目分三個階段，由淺入深，彼此交叉提問回答，時間約 45 分到一個小時，提問對象有可能是你的朋友、家人或期待成為戀人的某人。

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有些題目我們可能從沒想過，像是第一題邀哪個人來跟你吃晚餐，但有時候我們必須承認，幻想在每個人心中反映某種對現實的顧忌與反映，裡面一堆假設問題，不少觸及死亡這類禁忌話題，若以開放態度來想，生活出現太多意外不確定性，誰知下一分鐘會發生什麼事，或哪一天罹患絕症，即將告別人世，這樣密集提到死不死的頻率，只不過提早揭發我們內心的恐懼與不安。

36 道題目穿插對人生幾個歷程的提問，對家庭、成長、友誼、愛情幾個關鍵時間點的看法，能互相熟悉對方的人生觀與價值想法，的確能進一步提升親密度，尤其是坦誠內心脆弱的一面，如哭泣、出糗這些情形你不說，任誰也難以挖出來的「秘密」，獲得交換彼此信任的鑰匙，一打開像是認真在心頭劃十字，暗指自己視對方為親密夥伴，「我會保密，不會對別人說溜嘴」一樣的關係。

像是姊妹淘之間宛如 Sex and the City 女主角們一樣聊著性福不性福，交換彼此親密信物，或男士們把酒言歡說著當兵故事，現在換成男女主角坦誠相見，說出從小到大的成長回憶，(如果中間沒有人耍寶開玩笑的話)，如現實世界玩著真心話大考驗，交代生命面臨一切問題與挑戰，還包括對未來的假設，簡直跟「如果我跟你媽同時落水，你會救誰」劇情一樣灑狗血，說著情不自禁眼眶泛紅，原來他過去有心事誰人知這一段回憶。

在現代快速約會的實戰實況裡，沒有一對男女做過練習題才交往，兩人透過長相看得對眼與否來決定繼續見面關鍵，誰能在長達一個小時內，認真且誠實回答這些問題，才說你是我的真命天子或真命天女呢? 更別說加上社會地位、家庭背景、教育經歷等外圍因素，我們要撇開這些條件，用科學研究設計的問題來加溫兩人關係? 說真的，我聽到這種測驗心中只有一個想法:「相愛容易，相處難」。誰會不認同我講的最後這一句呢? 看對眼只是人類其中一個生物本能，摻雜社會對容貌的價值評斷，卻幾乎成了男男女女尋覓對象的頭號準則，即使相戀之後才見真章，攤在生活現實面前這個人的習慣與想法，你要學會包容與理解，要不然幹嘛要結婚生子才來後悔?

36道題目你可以試著先自問自答，選擇愛上別人之前，先學會愛自己是非常重要的一件事。交往的關係前提不該是偽裝與委曲求全，而是即使未來不確定，你會相信這個人不離不棄，跟你一起面對。不見得國外的月亮比較圓，而是 36 Questions 在親密度量測的基準上有普遍共識，一問就知道對方認真還是虛偽，值得交往還是當普通朋友就好，不失為一種認識彼此的好方法。

現在有一個網站《36 Questions》(http://36questionsinlove.com/) 做成一題又一題網頁，有機會找個對象來互相提問，就算 36 道不做完，拿來當聊天話題也不錯。

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第一階段 Set I

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
如果你可以邀請世界上任何人來一同吃晚餐，你希望誰來？
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
你想出名嗎？用哪種方式？
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
打電話之前，你會預習要說的內容嗎? 為什麼？
What would constitute a "perfect"day for you?
你認為什麼是「完美」的一天?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
你上次唱歌是什麼時候？是唱給別人聽嗎？
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
若說你能活到 90歲，往後 60 年你想保有 30 歲身體，還是 30 歲心靈?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
你覺得你以後會怎麼死?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
說出三個你和你夥伴共通點
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
你一生之中最感恩的事情是什麼？
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
你若能改變成長過程中任何一件事，你會想改變什麼?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
用四分鐘時間，向你的夥伴說說你從小到大的故事，越詳細越好。
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
如果你明天一覺醒來，能獲得一種特質或能力，你想要會是什麼?

第二階段 Set II

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
如果有一個水晶球可以告訴你關於你的過去、現在與未來，你最想知道是什麼？
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
有什麼事你很想去做，卻還沒去做的原因是什麼?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
你人生最大的成就是什麼?
What do you value most in a friendship?
你最重視友誼哪一個部分?
What is your most treasured memory?
說說對你最珍貴的回憶是什麼?
What is your most terrible memory?
說說你最可怕的回憶是什麼?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
如果你知道一年後你會死掉，你會改變現在生活方式? 為什麼想改?
What does friendship mean to you?
你對友情的看法是?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
愛與感情在你人生扮演什麼角色?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
互相描述對方五個優點特質
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
你們家關係如何？你覺得你童年過得比別人家快樂嗎?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
你和媽媽的關係如何?

第三階段 Set III

Make three true "we"statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ..."
說出3個含「我們」的句子。
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
「我希望可以跟某人分享...」請完成這句子
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
如果你是對方的密友，你會讓他/她知道的重要事情是什麼?
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
你對剛認識的人或許不會這麼坦白，但這次請誠實告訴對方你喜歡他的地方
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
說出人生中最糗的一次經驗
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
你上次在別人面前哭是什麼時候？什麼時候一個人哭?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
告訴對方你喜歡他的地方
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
什麼事你認為絕不能開玩笑?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
假設你今晚會死，你會後悔沒和誰說什麼事? 而為什麼到現在你還沒說出口?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
假如你的房子起火，在你救出心愛的人和寵物後，你還有時間進火場搶救一件東西，會是什麼? 為什麼是這樣東西?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
你家族中，誰的死對你打擊最大？為什麼？
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
向對方說出個人問題，請他建議該如何處理。另外，請他/她說出你對問題的感受看法。